A healthy benefits package can make your working day a whole lot more fun.
But if there’s one perk you should avoid, it’s doing the nasty with your boss. When you start getting up close and sexual with your manager, it’s a one-way trip to the bottom, with these calling points along the way.
1. It seems like a good idea. You are wrong
At first you will tell yourself that there’s no harm. After all, they’re good looking, always up for it and they have the keys to every stationery cupboard within a 10-mile radius. However…
2. They’re probably already attached
There’s a pretty big chance they have got someone at home waiting for them, some hapless soul who has to ask them whether they’ve had a good day at the office and then – horror of horror – listen to their reply. This person sounds like a good egg to me; do you really want to ruin their life? You do? OK…
3. The danger is usually pretty tame
Ooh hot sexy sex in a store cupboard after everyone has gone home, right? Wrong! Prepare yourself for lunchtimes spent queuing up for disabled loos or in multi-storey car parks, the car horn blaring out pathetically with every joyless thrust.
4. You’re not as furtive as you think you are
Your coworkers know. And they probably hate you for it. Either they have been there before you, or wish they had, or, more likely, think you’re doing it to get promoted.
5. You will not get promoted
‘You see, darling, if I promote you now, it will seem like I’m playing favourites and I don’t want to arouse suspicion, and nobody must find out. And anyway, that would mean you leaving my department and I’d miss you.’ Great.
6. You will talk shop
You won’t be able to help yourself. They won’t want to talk about their partners or any of the humdrum aspects of their life like boiler repairs, the kids’ school fees or vet bills. You’ll end up talking about Bryan from Accounts – you know what he’s like – and all the other office affairs people are having.
7. They will not leave their partner for you
They really won’t. Their MP3 collection alone would take ages to drag onto separate hard drives. They’d rather just stay together and be miserable.
8. Or if they do, they’ll regret it pretty quickly
You will stop being the ‘afternoon delight’ up against the photocopier and will instead be only boring old you, staring at them every morning over burnt toast and lukewarm tea, nagging them about leaving wet towels on the floor.
9. They’ve probably done this before
See no. 4. You’ll eye every new colleague with suspicion and will eventually drive yourself mad wondering if they are carrying on behind your back too. Within a week, you’ll be bursting into meetings for no reason and hacking into their email accounts for evidence.
10. It’s not romantic
You’re not star-crossed lovers, you’re not Jack and Rose standing at the bow of the Titanic. No. You’re coworkers thrown together because you got drunk at a conference and you have sex in toilets.
11. It’s tacky, really, when you think about it
Darling, nobody has affairs with their boss any more. So passé.
12. You’ll never know if you’re good at your job
Is your boss praising your work because it was brilliant or because they don’t want to rule out a blow job in the mop closet? You’ll never know.
13. When it ends, it’s awkward
Office romances have a limited shelf life, and while you and your boss tell yourselves you can go back to normal, once your pants stop dropping, your appraisal scores will start. Time to start looking for a new position. No, not that one.